


you’re gonna love tomorrow

by celaenos



Category: DC Cinematic Universe, Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: ALEXANDRA DANVERS IS QUEER AF AND I'M STILL SCREAMING, Coming Out, F/F, Gen, all my dreams are coming true, or something like it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-08
Updated: 2016-11-08
Packaged: 2018-08-29 22:52:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8508634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celaenos/pseuds/celaenos
Summary: She eats six doughnuts in an hour.





	

**Author's Note:**

> alex's speech was PERFECT ohhh my god it hit so close to home for me and i'm kinda broken up about it. i can't wait to see where this slow burn goes. 
> 
> (also, apparently, i'm still on a sondheim songs as titles kick)

She eats six doughnuts in an hour.

She only ate four when she was deciding whether or not to take up J’onn on his offer of joining the DEO. So, this is a new record sugar crisis.

That’s fun.

She spends an ungodly amount of time googling things that make her feel both very old and simultaneously, very naïve. There’s an uncomfortable twinge in her gut the entire time. A panic increasing as she reads more and more and everything… makes sense. Hits her in such a way that really, can’t be ignored.

But, she would _know_ by now if she were… my god, she’s twenty-seven years old, she would _know_ by _now_. Right?

Except, that the idea has well and truly, never crossed her mind before. Or, it doesn’t feel like it has, not like this, not this directly. One of her best friends in high school was an out and proud gay boy, she would have _known_ if…

Alex swallows thickly, and shoves the last bite of the sixth doughnut into her mouth.

_Shit._

…

…

She goes to talk to Kara, because ultimately, she always goes to Kara.

It’s good. She teases Kara about her ridiculous love for N’SYNC and tells her to cool it a little with Mon-El, and then, she feels relaxed. (She’s eaten an eighth doughnut by this time, but, still. They seem to be helping, and she’ll go for a run later.) She opens her mouth, almost says the words that have been pressing against the back of her teeth for the last day and a half but then…

Lena Luthor walks through her sister’s front door. There’s an immediate sense of frustration at the intrusion, but, Alex also feels an immense rush of relief. It makes her feel like a coward. And even more confused than ever, but the distraction is welcome all the same. Alex shakes Lena’s hand and hides the smirk at Lena’s obvious jealousy at the sight of her. She notably relaxes once Kara says the word ‘sister’ and is that real? Or is Alex projecting all of her conflicted feelings onto everyone she interacts with now? Because she is trained, and Lena’s body language goes from straight up attack mode, to relaxed, to nervous and fluttery all in a manner of seconds. And Alex… knows exactly how she feels. Now that she’s presented with it, this might be exactly how she’s been acting around Maggie.

She laughs, but there’s a stretched sound to it, and both Lena and Kara give her odd looks. Alex swallows and waves them off, stepping backwards and sitting back down at the island. She doesn’t tell Kara. Doesn’t say another word. Lena talks, (flirts) and Kara fidgets with her glasses and is charmingly oblivious, and Alex feels a heavy, nauseous weight sinking into her gut. She tells herself that once Lena leaves, she will resume their conversation. She’ll say it, out loud, and then she and Kara can figure this out together. But then Lena leaves, and then Kara looks at her, and Alex hears herself running away. She’s out the door, barely listening to Kara’s goodbye and then she’s gone.

Alexandra Danvers: total coward.

…

…

She considers going and talking to J’onn.

For about half a minute.

…

…

The very idea of talking to her mother makes her skin start to itch and regret each doughnut that she put into her mouth.

She doesn’t hit the call button.

...

…

She _really_ wishes that her dad was here.

…

…

It feels pathetic somehow that that is the end of her list. She has no friends, no one else in her life who she can imagine going to with something this big, something that feels this heavy. (Something that feels this _juvenile._ Because _god, she’s twenty-seven._ ) This is a problem for a sixteen-year-old, surely. This can’t possibly be happening because she would have _known it already._ Something this obvious, this fundamental about herself, she would have known it. She’s interacted with hundreds of women, attractive, smart, funny, she would have known if she wanted to… be with them. She’s from a small town, sure, but as far as small towns go, it was open-minded. People barely said anything when her best friend came out in tenth grade. Eliza welcomed his boyfriend to dinner on more than one occasion.

She’s smart, and she knows herself. (She feels like she doesn’t know herself at all.)

Alex thinks about all those doughnuts, her mother’s voice fills her head, and she peels off her jeans and pulls on some leggings.

She runs.

Her feet hit the sidewalk too hard, and she doesn’t stretch her calves enough beforehand, but she presses on anyway. She doesn’t listen to any music, just the rhythmic thud of her sneakers on the pavement. One foot after another. Again, and again, and again.

She runs until she’s breathing too hard to keep going, something that she hasn’t done since she first started training with the DEO.

She’s pacing back and forth, arms crossed above her head, trying to catch her breath in a park when she catches sight of a little girl wearing a t-shirt with Kara’s symbol on her chest and a homemade red cape. The girl is running between the monkey bars and the slides, laughing as her cape billows out behind her. Another little girl chases her, giggling even harder than the first. Alex keeps pacing, because if she doesn’t, she might pass right out, but she watches them play as she does. By the time she can catch her breath without heaving, the second girl has caught the first. They’re a tangle on the grass, rolling and laughing and then, the girl wearing Kara’s symbol jumps up, victorious, and they both cheer happily.

She’s not sure why, but when Alex turns to walk home, she feels a little bit of the weight lift off of her chest.

…

…

There is a person she can go to. The person who started all of this in the first damn place. Alex’s read enough information, collected her own damn thoughts, and now, she feels… not prepared, not ready, but something.

And then J’onn sends her a text about the men dropping like flies in front of Maggie, and she’s got a whole ‘nother reason to go and find her.  

She finds Maggie in the bar they’ve been hanging out in. And she looks miserable. Alex feels horrible for her, she doesn’t know how it feels, not really. She’s never been in love. She’s never had a break up that hit her hard. And if that in itself doesn’t feel like another sign…

“I heard about what happened,” she says, by way of greeting. “You okay?”

Maggie shakes her head, two shots deep and another full one in front of her. “I’ve seen some crazy stuff since I join the Science Police but that was… um… that was…” she trails off and looks up at Alex. “What’re… what are you doing here?”

Alex flattens both her palms down onto the table, and faces her. “I was worried about you,” she says sincerely.

“Look I’m sorry if I was too forward the other day, that wasn’t my place.”

Alex clucks her tongue, more annoyed with herself than anything else. Then she sucks in a breath, and lowers herself down onto the seat across from Maggie, and slowly, she opens her mouth.

This time, Lena Luthor doesn’t interrupt her. No one does. Maggie listens, smiles at her reassuringly, and prompts her to keep going. And Alex cries. The words pour out of her, and she is terrified of them, but she’s also so incredibly relieved to be saying them. It feels like something clicks inside of her. Something that now that she’s presented with it, been forced to think about it, has always been there. And it’s this weird mixture of terror and relief and she’s not sure which one is winning out, but she _almost_ gets there. The words she’s grasping for, they don’t quite make it out, not all the way.

Maggie just smiles back at her.

Alex bolts for the door. And there it is: a solid thing bubbling up inside of her chest. Inside of her brain. No more if-then-maybes; this is the real thing, at last. The puzzle piece she didn’t even know that she had been looking for. It shakes the air as it thuds down between her and everyone she passes on the way outside, dense and bright and too heavy to move. She’s stuck with it now. Maybe everyone can see it, it feels palpable enough.

Alex runs out into the street and her hands are shaking, and there are tears in her eyes, but somehow she doesn’t feel stuck at all. She laughs as she turns to head home, there’s that strained edge to it again, but it’s not the same as it was in Kara’s apartment. There is a hint of genuine joy to it. Small. But Alex hears it anyway. She’s sore, and exhausted, and she’s not sure what happens next exactly, but as Alex walks down the sidewalk, she feels an almost subtle rearranging of air as the fall breeze hits her.

She shoves her hands into her pockets, and smiles.


End file.
